> For the complete documentation index, see [llms.txt](https://nkintc.gitbook.io/brainless/llms.txt). Markdown versions of documentation pages are available by appending `.md` to page URLs; this page is available as [Markdown](https://nkintc.gitbook.io/brainless/meta/calculus/death/family-death.md).

# Family Death

Inevitable constant at the end of all lifetimes.

This is a hard page to write. Thoughts become so convoluted at the thought of an infinity of endless nothing. But I will try and talk about it. Try and fail and try again until something meaningful comes about. 

> There's nothing harder than accepting the death of a loved one and so we convince ourselves they cannot die. - Nagato

The first time that death touched my life was when my mom passed from cancer. I should have seen it coming but I thought that there was no way that she could die. Writing it down now, how naive I was to think that she was invincible and immortal; she was only human. But that's what she was to me, immortal and invincible.  

"She will get through it", I thought. "Things will go back to normal", I told myself. "We have decades together still", I convinced myself each day. Even as the cancer ate away at her, those thoughts were constant. Life would become constant again and my family would remain whole.

Until it broke. 

Until I got the phone call that she was gone and that I was not there when she passed.